Best Anthony Jeselnik Quotes | 100 Quotes You Shouldn’t Miss |

anthony Jaselnik Quotes

Anthony Jeselnik: Anthony Jeselnik was born December 22th 1978 in Pittsburgh, America. He is an American writer, actor, comedian and producer. He is popularly known for his dark comedy style. ‘Late Night with Jimmy Fallon’ was written by him. He is also the writer of ‘Comedy Central Presents Stand-up’. Now I’ll write on best Anthony Jeselnik quotes.

Anthony Jeselnik quotes
Anthony Jeselnik
Jaselnik Quotes

Here is the top 100 Anthony Jeselnik quotes:

  1. “You don’t know about pain until you have seen your own baby drowned a tub….and you definitely don’t know how to wash a baby.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  2. “My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate and she likes to joke she’s got a chocolate addiction. Get me away from those Hershey’s bars. I’m addicted to them. It’s really annoying. So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said do you see that honey?!…why can’t you be that skinny?!”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  3. “I would never hit a woman – even if she had a knife or a shutter”
     — Anthony Jeselnik
  4. “I have got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  5. “My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist. My dad but he still tried to be a good father- you know? Like he would tell me that Santa Claus was black. That way when I found out he didn’t exist. It would not be that big a letdown.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  6. “I want to get a tattoo of the word – “Irony,” only misspelled”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  7. “My sister is  going to have a simple wedding just immediate family and whoever the hell would want to marry her”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  8. “Whenever I am about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes- because  that way I don’t have to tell her about  my herpes”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  9. “Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence – because if she doesn’t have that then she is mine”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  10. “I’m not a religious person. I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it. I’m just reasonable.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  11. “My mom’s having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed. If she’s ever going to be at golf”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  12. “About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing (hide and go seek) and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It’s all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  13. “People who get offended by jokes are fucking – stupid”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  14. “Last week the city of Detroit filed off bankruptcy, it became obvious that Detroit was in trouble when it offered to stuck Chicago’s dick”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  15. “My sister just had a baby – a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn’t let me hold him, she refuses. She says, ’No way Anthony, I’m afraid of you are gonna drop him. I’m 32 years old. Like I’m some kind of idiot like I don’t have a million other ways to hurt that baby”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  16. “My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don’t understand why she’s crying. I’m the one who has to get a new girlfriend”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  17. “My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn’t religious anymore. When she was a kid like Twelve years old, her parents nailed a Twenty Five pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About 2 weeks later – in the middle of the night the crucifix falls of the wall and leaves a 2 inch gash in the back of her dad’s head”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  18. “My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet – Oh my God, that fu**ing thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  19. “When I finished high school I wanted to tale all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no.! See she had. A brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18 and I could just have his motorcycle.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  20. “My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating – I can’t believe I’m only going to have sex with her one more time!”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  21. “The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say – Not today, you bastard”.
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  22. “I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn’t know how to comfort her, so o just wrote back I know”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  23. “Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious – nobody saw me”!
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  24. “My dad’s been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can’t hang on to the seat of keys to save his life and he has tried everything too little hook next to the door, little bowl neat to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his Birthday the whole family chipped in and we put in a home”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  25. “You’ll get my assault weapon when you try it out of my curious six years old’s dead hands”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  26. “I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  27. “My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person. So I can get a better girlfriend”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  28. “I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  29. “I think my friend’s wife has been banging a black guy because they just had a baby and the baby had a hole in it”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  30. “I like to play pranks with my girlfriend. You know keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know?  She hates it. But like the other night, I put saran wrap over the toilet seat. You know which doesn’t sound that original but she’s bulimic”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  31. “I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family. The good news is it skips a generation. So I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  32.  “Yeah, we’re not together anymore. She has got a new boyfriend now. They just move into together and I’ve heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat and then blame it on her boyfriend”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  33. “My mom, for most of her life, was a holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until finally a couple of years ago we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people and then he made her watch ‘Schindler’s List’. And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can’t believe it only happened once”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  34. “ My girlfriend is Jewish but It’s easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  35. “My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person. So I can get a better girlfriend”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  36. ”I know her in the biblical sense and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word he says.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  37. “I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes and I had to suck out poison…. So he’s dead.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  38.  “I’ve spent the past two years looking my ex-girlfriend’s killer but no one will do it.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  39. “She got really mad a month ago because she had emailed me a naked picture of herself which is a nice thing to do but then I messed up and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now my girlfriend is furious, mortified but I don’t even care because now I’ve to call up my mother and say ‘Mom, I am so sorry that picture was just for dad’!”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  40. “On the show, you have to be more charismatic a little smoother but I think I can still be that Prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  41. “In late-night monologue, it’s not just about being funny. You’ve to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  42. “On Twitter when someone would die, I would write a joke or if there’s a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing and then at a certain point people started dreaming it.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  43. “Silence means they (the audience) are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they were dead quiet, it’s still okay. If they start talking, that’s when you’ve lost them.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  44. “I went people to just be paying attention even if they’re not necessarily laughing at something or if it takes them a while to get something, I don’t mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is setting there scratching their heads, that’s just as good for me if I like the joke because I feel like it just brings people in more.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  45. “I have that need in me, I went every one to love me but I’m embarrassed by that need. So I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn’t be able to do stand-up for a career if I was ready. I didn’t want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That’s why I would never have to change for anybody.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  46. “In comedy, I hate the cop-out where you say – just kidding. I know you’re just kidding. Don’t insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  47. “I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking – Here’s what I would say and here’s what I would do if I got up there. It drives me crazy.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  48. “I’m not a comedy writer, I’m a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  49. “Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian, you learn from failure, so I’m always trying to put myself in a situation that doesn’t seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  50. “I always loved comedy but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  51. “I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor“.
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  52. I’m realistic on my way. I’m too cynical to be an optimist but I’ve lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist”.
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  53. “The one thing I’ve found you really can’t joke about and people think it’s death or something is money. No one thinks it’s funny, whether you have it or you don’t. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  54. “It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn’t want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of – ‘I need you guys’. I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing that I didn’t want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me”.
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  55. “I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook, I still do this almost like a poem.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  56. “There is nothing that’s off-limits. If people think something is off-limits. I make it my business to go make a joke about it, that’s my job.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  57. “I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I’ve met her neighbor, he’s a cool guy. Not like her other creepy-ass neighbor though.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  58. “My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family and whoever the hell would want to marry her.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  59. “I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  60. “Everyone has the same kind of fears. Everyone has the same big problems in the world which is like fear of death and I hope horrible things don’t happen to my family but they do and I think people laugh at them as this great release.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  61. “The world is full of horrible things.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  62. “I think the theatre show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theatre crowd is more polite. There really aren’t hecklers and there are a lot of people there to see me and they are excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  63. “I didn’t care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn’t know anything about me in the New Zealand. If I had made jokes about a shark attack in the US, no one would have cared.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  64. “You can’t expect everyone to laugh or applaud for doing eddy things. Sometimes you will miss but I think comedians are artists and there is a value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn’t work out with dark subjects and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they will fail and it’s not the audience’s fault for not getting it or loving it.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  65. “With comics, you always talk about a big break but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  66. “I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  67. “I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice and different priorities. He couldn’t be the bad guy in the joke, he couldn’t be upset people really.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  68. “When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I’m happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  69. “Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married With Children’ the show that changed comedy – ‘Sons of Anarchy’ the show that took comedy to a whole a new level and ‘8 Simple Rules’ the show that killed John Ritter.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  70. “I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But obviously I’d prefer it to be aborted.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  71. “The driving force behind doing everything that I’ve been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  72. “We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting. They caught me eating a tiny little bad of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral”.
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  73. “I don’t have much racial stuff in my act and no one’s ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don’t bother me so much.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  74. “I’m very arrogant and mean I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  75. “Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  76. “Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  77. “What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear?… A Yankees cap.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  78. “I think some people just don’t know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn’t know anything about football thinking all offensive lineman are the same.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  79. “Ellen Berkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels like I’m watching a third power collapse.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  80. “Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are ‘Black’. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on – ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  81. “Valentine Day was created by the greetings card industry to get pussy.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  82. “People are surprised that I’m nice and it helps me out a little bit. It’s easy to be nice when everyone thinks you’re going to be a jerk but if people think you’re nice guy then it’s tough because that’s what they expect.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  83. “When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  84. “I’m actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  85. “I’m trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf but I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don’t know how to surf.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  86. “Father’s Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all time.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  87. “I could drink like a fish or at least someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  88. “I love Austin, but last time I was in town for 12 hours. I was exhausted, drunk, and miserable. But none of that was Austin’s fault.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  89. “An offended audience member repeating a comedian’s act from memory is worse than literally anything.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  90. “You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  91. “I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn’t do a whole set of just shocks but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  92. “I have a twelve year’s old sex doll. Brand new”.
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  93. “Larry King is so old, he’s actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  94. “I think the reason I became funny was because, if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  95. “I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible but I just said, I’ll write more than everybody else, and that’s how I’ll get better.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  96. “I hated my mom for not letting me play football as I kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they’ll never meet their grandmother.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  97. “I love Stephen Wright and I love Mitch Hedberg but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You’d just be ripping them off.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  98. “I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know and it always improves.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  99. “I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik
  100. “I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about like death.”
    — Anthony Jeselnik

Also see Mat Dillahunty Quotes

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